From the Magazine Rack

This week's issues are hot off the presses.

"People Magazine" offers a cover story on Rachel Ray's bout with irritable bowel syndrome, following her TV program on eating in Tijuana on $40 a day.

"Newsweak's" cover features Paris Hilton's prison journal, including her favorite prison food, fashion hints for accessorizing prison garb and much, much more!

"TV Guide" introduces viewers to the latest reality show, "Double Trouble," a show where conjoined twins go out on blind dates with other conjoined twins. The first set of twins with each twin forming a lasting relationship wins two all-expenses-paid surgical procedures aimed at separating both themselves and their significant others, to be televised during the final program of the season.

The "Sports Illustrated" cover story offers full-color pictures of Barry Bonds' medicine cabinet, with captions describing the various medicines contained therein. Other stories feature color spreads of various young attractive female sports figures in beach volleyball, roller derby and other sports.

And finally, "The U.S. New and World Report" sugests to readers that the economic climate doesn't bode well for the near future and it may be best to postpone plans to "improve" neighborhoods by displacing the current residents through the purchase and refurbishment of apartment buildings in poor neighborhoods and converting the buildings into condominiums for well-to-do homosexuals who couldn't care less about displacing struggling families, have oodles and oodles of disposable income and don't have the burden of sending any kids to "urban," or as we like to call them, "colored" schools.

We Interrupt This Blog For a Word From Our Sponsor

If you're feeling alienated and angry, talk to your doctor, or better yet, your "elected representative" about how come medical care is free, care for the elderly is a given, life expectancy is longer, and the infant mortality rate is lower in every other industrialized country than it is in the land of the free (even our "villainous neighbors" to the south in Cuba have free medical care, better care for the elderly, a higher literacy rate and a comparable infant mortality rate, despite the embargo on medicines by the U.S. Government!). And be sure to ask your doctor about Prozac and other ways in which you can dope yourself up to forget about all this.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast...

...and in Our CD Section...

"Songs Mammy Used to Sing" by John Edwards, featuring songs John use to hear from his colored mammy in his old small Southern town where his wife claims he first learned to hate homos, jigs and kikes. Numbers include, "Old Black Joe," "Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones," "My Old Kentucky Home," "Camptown Races," "Zip-a-dee Doo-Dah" and other favorites! Featuring background vocals by "Auntie" Condeleeza Rice, and "Uncles" Colin Powell and Clarence "The Bullfrog" Thomas."

"Paris Hilton Live at Folsom Prison," ex-con Paris may not have any talent, truth be told she seems to have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time, but the inmates at Folsom had seen "the video" and didn't seem to mind her wandering off-key or forgetting the words from time to time as she warbled her way through such standards as "Folsom Prison Brews" and "Jailhouse Cocks."

"Closet Space" by John Travolta, Tom Selleck and others. Featuring such Broadway showstoppers as "I Enjoy Being a Girl" (Selleck), "I Feel Pretty" (Johnny Depp), "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair (Travolta), "March of the Little Lost Boys" (Michael Jackson), "Where the Boys Are" (Tom Cruise), "Can't Help Lubbin Dat Man O' Mine" (Fred Thompson) and "(I Love A) Calender Girl" by Ann Coulter.

New in the Book Section

Several new titles have arrived in our recently expanded book section!

"It Takes a Lack of Scruples," volume two of Hillary Clinton's autobiography, picks up where the house falls on her sister and she assembles her crew of former lobbyists and flying monkeys and puts her campaign in full gear to get back those ruby red slippers.

"Patient, Heal Thyself," Kaiser Permanante Press has gathered inexpensive cures from around the world, as alternative methods to try when Kaiser denies treatment. Among the many cures featured is the Eskimo cure for Alzheimer's (all you need is some water and a floating hunk of ice - or if there is no longer ice available, due to global warming, packing foam from a Dell computer will do just fine!).

"My Husband the Cracker," Elizabeth Edwards offers insight into her husband's upbringing in a small Southern town and how that has influenced his views, such as his hesitancy to accept gay marriage, and his homegrown antipathy toward jigs and kikes.

"The Secret Behind the Secret," Rhonda Byrne and company explain how they turned a stupid idea into millions of dollars by following the old adage, "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public!"

"My First Book About Me," President George W. Bush gets up close and personal as he shares with you such things as how old he is, his favorite color, and his favorite food (as told to Dick Cheney).

How to Change Your Crappy Life by Owning Stuff

Today the Gift Shoppe is offering the latest in high-tech advancements, it's more than just a phone, an MP3 player, a GPS, and a computer. It's the caring mother you always wished you had, instead of the indifferent daycare provider who actually raised you! It's guaranteed to rid you of your feelings of alienation and loneliness and replace them with the warmth and security that come with the illusion of always feeling "connected," a feeling you probably haven't had since birth!

Not to mention the security that comes from knowing you own a product that's "in," and the increased sense of importance and self-worth from realizing that lots of other people wish they too had it, and are willing to stand in long lines for the privilege of purchasing it!

The GPS feature not only tells you how to get to wherever you want to go, but perhaps even more importantly, it also tells you where you already ARE (and tells US where you've been)!

Fourth of July Blowout!

Sale items include weapons of mass destruction! No matter how many billions you spend, or how many lives you sacrifice, these items are next to impossible to find at any cost!

Also on sale, Presidential Candidate action figures! Pull the string on the Mitt Romney action figure and watch him talk out of both sides of his mouth (BOSTON - Republican Mitt Romney said Monday he SUPPORTS a top aide under investigation in two states for impersonating a law enforcement officer, "but this really is now in his hands.")! Check out the Barack Obama figure and watch him change from white to black back to white again! Hilary Clinton comes complete with a play action set, featuring the group of former corporate lobbyists helping her to run her campaign!

On the remainder table, the John McCain and Howard Dean action figures (both slightly cracked), and the Joe Leiberman action figure (missing a spine).

Welcome to the Ground Zero Gift Shoppe!

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